A Book of Hogwarts Verse
by Lucillia
Summary: Good, bad, and mediocre poems about all things Hogwarts. I tried to make most of them humorous. If there is anything related to Hogwarts you would like me to write about, ask and I will attempt it.
1. Albus Dumbledore

Albus Dumbledore 

Since the days of the founder's four,  
There has never been a Headmaster as interesting as Dumbledore.

Headmasters come and go,  
But none could put on half the show.

There was Headmaster Revall whose antics would drive the professors and students up the wall.  
But, not even he had the gall to start spouting nonsense in the Great Hall.

Headmasters come and go,  
But none could put on half the show.

There was Headmaster Viit who wore clothes that were stunningly bright.  
But, not even his clothes could blind you at night.

Headmasters come and go,  
But none could put on half the show.

There was the much despised Headmaster Black. When it came to shoes he suffered no lack.  
But, not even he would buy high heeled boots with rockets in the back.

Headmasters come and go,  
But none could put on half the show.

There was Headmaster Rood who had been dismissed for doing things quite lewd.  
But, not even he would spend half the night wandering the halls in the nude.

Headmasters come and go,  
But none could put on half the show.

There was Headmaster Baddock who had a bad temper and a deadly aim with a rock.  
But, not even he would dare to attack the Potions Professor with a haddock.

Headmasters come and go,  
But none could put on half the show.

There was Headmaster Trenty who suffered through healer visits aplenty.  
But, not even he, when asked to give a urine sample, would give twenty.

Headmasters come and go,  
But none could put on half the show.

There was Headmaster Bailiwick whose skill with verse and wit was quite quick.  
But, not even he dared insult a Dark Lord with a dirty Limerick.

Headmasters come and go,  
But none could put on half the show

Over the centuries there have been Headmasters aplenty.  
Fine men such as Smythe, Aldrich and McLinty.  
At last count there was a hundred and twenty.  
But, since the days of the founders four,  
There has never been a Headmaster as interesting as Dumbledore.


	2. Getting to School

The First Years 

Dear, are you sure you have got everything packed in your trunk?  
Leave Billy at home dear, the letter didn't say you could bring a skunk.

We must hurry off to get you to school.  
Don't embarrass mommy by acting like a fool.

Quickly, quickly, we must find platform Nine and Three-Quarters.  
That was one of the letter's orders.

Hurry, hurry, through the gate.  
It leaves at eleven, we can't be late.

Give a kiss goodbye to your mother.  
Please don't torment your older brother.

With these words, mum and I are for the first time parted.  
While excited for what's to come, I feel slightly downhearted.

For an empty compartment, I search the train end to end.  
While none are empty, I find one that contains my new best friend.

The old witch comes with her call of "Something off the cart dear?"  
I quickly learn that Bertie Botts is a name all should fear.

I can barely contain my excitement. We're here! We're here!  
There, outside, over there, is a giant of a man calling for each and every first year.

I find an empty boat with my new best friend,  
We sit together in the middle with a stranger at either end.

Finally we have arrived at the Great Hall door.  
Beyond this point, our huddled group will be split in four.

It is time, we must all get in a line.  
I stand behind the friend I met in compartment nine.

He's gone to Slytherin and I to Gryffindor.  
That slimy evil jerk won't be my friend anymore.


	3. An Intro to the Houses

Gryffindor. 

If it is the brave and bold you do so adore,  
The place for you is Gryffindor.

For only in the noble house of Gryffindor,  
Would a first year challenge a seventh year or four,  
Knowing full well he would end up on the floor.

Red and gold are always wore,  
On those of the house of Gryffindor.

The best place to eat, one person swore,  
Was the table of the great house of Gryffindor.

When it comes to the Common room, well, I cant get in.  
The thing is, you see, I'm a Slytherin.

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Ravenclaw

None are brighter than those in house Ravenclaw.  
They all can spout facts like squawks from a Macaw.

The brightest of them all come from Ravenclaw.  
They can list the hundred differences between a bluejay and a jackdaw.

If you want the exact wording of an obscure Wizarding law,  
You'd best go to a Ravenclaw.

If you want to know all the differences between a hand and a paw,  
It would be best to ask a knowlegable Ravenclaw.

When it comes to those brilliant and tireless researchers in Ravenclaw,  
They may know everything, but they haven't even seen half of what I saw.

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Hufflepuff

The loyal and the hard working belong to Hufflepuff.  
It's them you call when you want to move stuff.

Though sometimes they may seem somewhat gruff,  
They're alright, the chaps in Hufflepuff.

Whether their friend is a commoner or a Royal,  
The Hufflepuffs are unswervingly loyal.

For them the satisfaction of bringing in the harvest is enough.  
The hardworking chaps in Hufflepuff.

But remember this when you mess with a Hufflepuff,  
They're the reason Sir Nicholas wears a ruff.

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Slytherin

If you want to get ahead, you belong in Slytherin.  
In Slytherin we always play to win.

Our common room is called a den of sin.  
That is the way of the house of Slytherin.

Always smirk, never ever grin.  
That is how we do things in Slytherin.

We don't use obvious means to do our opponents in.  
That's how it is in Slytherin.

Now you've heard some of the rules of Slytherin,  
I ask one question, well kid, do you want in?


	4. Meet Your New Teachers

Professor Snape 

Upon the unruly students, the Head of Slytherin brings the fear of doom.  
One word from him could make even the bravest want to flee the room.

Professor Snape is about as kind as a nest full of adders.  
He alone amongst all professors can make first years lose control of their bladders.

The kindest description someone gave of him was "Exceedingly cruel."  
Other descriptions of him have included the words jerk and tool.

One reason for his behavior soon becomes quite clear,  
Daily, the poor professor has to face a Potions Master's worst fear,  
Teaching a bunch of students who cant tell their cauldron from their rear.

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Professor McGonagal

Professor McGonagal is a cat you don't want to cross.  
Mess around in her class, and out on your ass, you, she will toss.  
In all things Transfiguration, McGonagal is the Boss.

If you come from her house Gryffindor,  
She will expect your, best and much much more.  
Talk back to her, and she'll show you the door.

Behave in class, and she will teach you all manner of things.  
Follow her lessons well, and you'll be able to live like kings.  
Did you think those things on her fingers were originally diamond rings.

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Professor Sprout

Professor Sprout keeps a close eye on Greenhouse 5,  
Doing her best to keep both plants and students alive.  
Working, in her opinion it the best way to help the children learn, and the plants to thrive.

Head of the house Hufflepuff,  
Her days are long, and the work is rough.  
Never overdoing it, she knows when enough is enough.

All her life she spent with the soil,  
To her plants and students she will always be loyal.  
In her opinion, when it comes to pains in the ass, Lockheart is a royal.

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Professor Flitwick

Little Filius Flitwick,  
Head of Ravenclaw, his wit is quick,  
He could get through to the thickest of the thick.

Charms is his profession.  
Women are his obsession,  
And into his quarters runs a steady procession.

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Professor Trelawney

Stuck high up in an isolated tower,  
She pretends to See but mainly lacks the power.

Described as a bug and a wicked old bat,  
She usually pulls her predictions out of a hat.

To such gullible creatures as Patil and Brown,  
She constantly feeds as much rubbish as they could hold down.

With her steady supply of cooking sherry,  
She wanders the castle harassing poor Harry.

But, the role of charlatan, for true Sight she'd never trade,  
For, when it comes to truly Seeing, Trelawney is quite afraid.

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Professor Binns

Of history topics, Binns once knew a great deal.  
Cursed, he believed only one of them was real.  
Thanks to an unknown hellion,  
Binns lectures Goblin Rebellion.  
And to escape the students would gladly feed themselves to an eel.

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Professor Hagrid

Listen all to what Professor Hagrid said,  
If you don't, you'll likely end up dead.

If it's gigantic, venomous, or dangerous it's Hagrid's.  
Looks like the lesson has eaten another one of the kids.

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	5. About Your Classes

Potions 

Come little ones, draw near.  
From me there is nothing to fear.  
I only wish to help you get through your first year.

I will give you some advice.  
Don't worry it has no Price.  
Listen closely because I won't tell you twice.

The time for Potions is approaching, quickly, take heed to what I say.  
This advice is for those who desire to keep their cauldron beyond the first day,  
Remove the cauldron from the fire before you add the porcupine quills, or there will be hell to pay.

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Transfiguration

If in a fight you only cast curses and hexes, you'll soon be dead.

There is more than one reason why the professor is trying to drill Transfiguration into your head.

If, in this subject, you have followed where the Professor has led,

While your opponent is casting curses that fill even the bravest hearts with dread,

You could be turning his underwear into ice and his robes into lead.

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Charms

Your professor may be small and silly,  
But what he's teaching is important, really.

While right now it seems useless to teach a pineapple to tap dance,  
Later on, it will be hard for someone to curse you if a statue keeps kicking him in the pants.

While sitting in the library doing research into the charms used on prank items seems tedious,  
You will learn that placing the charm that powers the Ever Bashing Boomerang on a rock can cause injuries grievous.

While your time, practicing summoning charms on cushions seems to waste,  
Remember, summoning your enemy through a wall will turn him into paste.

You sit at your desk twirling your quill, extremely bored,  
When, like gold, knowledge of charms you really should hoard.

One day you will understand why when silly little Flitwick comes near,  
The most evil of men begin to quake in fear.  
By then though, it will most likely be too late my dear.

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Defense Against the Dark Arts

This year, in this subject, you should learn to defend,  
Against many a thing that is not your friend.

When you come too near,  
A Boggart will reveal your worst fear.

Against a Boggart we should have fought,  
But poor Professor Quirrel fainted at the thought.

The year is over, Quirrel's through,  
I didn't learn anything, how about you?

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Herbology

Now children, gather round the greenhouse door,  
Does anyone recognize the plant in the middle of the floor?

It seems that Herbology is required. Oh joy.  
Can there be anything less interesting for a growing boy?

The Hufflepuffs all seem only interested in gardening,  
No wonder their brains appear to be hardening.

It seems that we'll spend our days digging, weeding, pruning, and planting,  
Excitement is something this class seriously leaves wanting.

The potions ingredients get planted in the box in the center,  
I'd rather be learning how to face a Dementor.

The flutterby bushes need careful pruning.  
Cut too much, and the plant you will be ruining.

The aconite needs to go in a bigger pot.  
This class is way lamer than I originally thought.

While the class seems all about re-potting plants and weeding,  
You'll soon learn that it is a bad thing to find a Devil's Snare breeding.

Beware when dealing with the Mandrake,  
Your life, its cry will take.

Watch out, some plants will bite,  
Against you some plants can fight.

If you get too close to the Whomping Willow,  
You won't be able to sit on anything harder than a pillow.

Frighten the Mimbulus Mimbletonia,  
And you'll end up smelling like amonia.

So what if the Venomous Tentacula is teething,  
It's not the teeth that frighten me, it's the heavy breathing.

The more you learn, the sweeter is the freedom that the doorway is framing.  
This class isn't gardening, it's plant taming!

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History of Magic

Binns is droning on and on again, I'm fighting sleep and I don't think I'll win.

Binns could give a war all the interest of a trip to a muggle dentist.

Binns can make a bloody gruesome beheading sound as interesting as a visit to a zoo for animal petting.

Goblins are all he talks about, nothing of Heinrich the Fisher's capture of a thirty foot trout, not even a mention of Minister of Magic Jameson (1520-1535)'s bad case of gout.

And of all he says about the clan of wizards who sacked Rome, you'd be led to believe that they'd stayed at home.

It was most likely the same when he was alive, but as far as he's concerned, the participants of the legendary Hog's Head brawl of 1545 may as well have stayed in bed, and the tavern unburned.

Goblins are all the old ghost manages to talk about.  
That's it, goodnight, I'm out.

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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	6. Defense Professors Who've Come Before

Defense Against The Dark Arts Professors Years 1-5

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Quinnius Quirrel

Year one was Quinnius Quirrel,  
A man with the face and personality of a squirrel.

Deathly afraid of the subject he taught,  
He tried to brag about monsters he "fought",  
Everyone knew the turban was bought.

Everyone admits he caused quite a scene,  
When he let the troll in on Halloween.

Constantly trying to steal the Philosopher's stone,  
All that remains of him is ash and bone.

With him, nobody learned anything new.  
Oh well, there's always year two.

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Gilderoy Lockheart

Gilderoy Lockhart, the worst professor in the world, can't leave his room unless his hair is perfectly curled.

By the end of the first day,  
All of the students were convinced he was gay.

All of his lessons were an absolute joke,  
He never realized that the best fashion accessory for him would be an invisibility cloak.

He could swiftly turn the simplest subject into hash.  
He never knew why the muggleborns kept searching his office "for his stash".

He should be kept several light years away from any broken arm.  
He must be the only example of a memory charm causing more good than it did harm.

Gilderoy Lockhart, the worst professor in the world, can't leave his room unless his hair is perfectly curled.

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Professor Lupin

When the stranger came to teach, he didn't just stand there and preach. You had to go out and earn every lesson that you learn.

His clothes were rags, and his hair was gray,  
He looked like a good wind would blow him away.

When the stranger came to teach, he didn't just stand there and preach. You had to go out and earn every lesson that you learn.

His eyes were gold, and he was as thin as a rake.  
He looked like he'd get pneumonia if he even looked at the lake.

When the stranger came to teach, he didn't just stand there and preach. You had to go out and earn every lesson that you learn.

He was rather sickly and thin,  
But he had what counted within.

When the stranger came to teach, he didn't just stand there and preach. You had to go out and earn every lesson you learn.

The bright, cold, moon had him in her unbreakable hold,  
And because of that, before his time, he was growing old.

When the stranger came to teach, he didn't just stand there and preach. You had to go out and earn every lesson that you learn.

By the time the cruel moon pulled him away,  
All his pupils had desired for him to stay.

When the stranger came to teach, he didn't just stand there and preach. You had to go out and earn every lesson that you learn.

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Professor Moody

Professor Moody taught us the curse that kills.  
The Death Eaters used to use it to get their thrills.

Professor Moody taught us a curse that causes great pain.  
To escape the agony of it, many men had gone insane.

Professor Moody taught us a spell to control another.  
My father once used it to save the life of his brother.

Professor Moody taught us many ways to duel.  
The way my mother uses that curse is just cruel.

Professor Moody taught us to tell poison from water.  
What he didn't teach us was how to spot the impostor.

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Professor Umbridge.

It was a long time ago in the year of the High Inquisitor,  
The land of the Ministry was going to give the land of Hogwarts what for,  
To rule the land of Hogwarts on the Ministry's behalf came the Toad-Woman Umbridge,  
She was cruel in face, annoying in voice and as large as a muggle fridge.

The Toad-Woman Umbridge was controlled by the Minister, Fudge.  
Against The Dumbledore, ruler of Hogwarts, the Minister held a grudge.  
Once the land of Ministry and the land of Hogwarts had been allies,  
But, far in the past, that time lies.

Over the realm of Defence Against the Dark Arts was the Toad-Woman Umbridge given reign.  
With boredom did she torture her subjects, it was far more effective than pain.  
Should you the forbidden name of the hidden Dark Lord, in the presence of the Toad-Woman mention,  
You would be tortured most horrendously in the place called detention.

With pen and paper the Toad-Woman formed her first decree,  
Her rule above all holders of minor realms now had some legitimacy.  
Should any refuse to bend to her will,  
They would be forced to write with her blood taking quill.

The Toad-Woman sought to remove all of the followers of The Dumbledore,  
In the realms of Potions, Transfiguration, and Care of Magical Beast, each leader's patience she painfully wore.  
The heads of the four tribes were forced to band together to remove the Toad-Woman from the land.  
Against this new threat, those who were once enemies were forced to work hand in hand.

With the driving away of The Dumbledore from the land of Hogwarts, it had appeared that the toad-woman had won,  
But with the aid of the leaders of tribes Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw the people rose up and the battle was begun.  
The head of tribe Gryffindor called upon the Trickster God Peeves and his followers Forge and Gred.  
The head of tribe Slytherin told his people to crumble the Toad-Woman's rule from within, and pretend for now to by her be led.

Time passed in the land of Hogwarts, and the rebellion grew strong.  
The length of the toad-woman's reign would not last long.  
One day a boy driven by a vision sent by the Dark lord who was hidden,  
Led the Toad-Woman into the forest at the edge of the lands, which was forbidden.

In the forest the Toad-Woman was by Centaurs captured.  
Toad-woman Umbridge would to them, in servitude, be indentured,  
While the toad-woman was held hostage in the forest forbidden,  
The Dumbledore, back to the land of Hogwarts, had ridden.

The Dumbledore brought the Toad-Woman back to the land of Hogwarts for her wounds to be mended,  
Chased away by the Trickster God Peeves, the rule of the Toad-Woman Umbridge had been ended!  
Peace was made between the land of Hogwarts and the land of Ministry,  
For if they fought the Dark Lord would conquer both and rule in tyrrany.

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	7. Happy Birthday Fred and George

Happy Birthday to those two.

They turned Hogwarts into a zoo.

Filch is a monkey, and Snape is one too.

&!&

Happy Birthday to those two.

They blew up the loo.

Dumbledore was still on the potty, when away it flew.

&!&

Happy Birthday to those two.

They got their hands on some glue.

Harry's stuck to me, and I'm stuck to you.

&!&

Happy Birthday to those two.

They sent a rhino through the Floo.

Snape's so pissed he forgot to breathe, and now he's turning blue.

&!&

Happy Birthday to those two.

Keep an eye on them, and an ear too.

I'd also stay away from the dungeons, if I were you.


	8. Two For Potter

Year One wasn't fun.

Year Two really blew.

Year Three nearly ended me.

Year Four Cedric's on the floor.

Year Five, Sirius isn't alive.

Year Six sucked...nevermind

Year Seven, almost ended up in Heaven.

Most people look forward to what happens after their Hogwarts career.

I look forward to hopefully surviving the year.

&!&!&

I never wanted to go hunting magic rocks

Or killing snakes so Dobby could earn his socks

I didn't want to find out I had a convict godfather who was innocent

Or once again be the spectacle at the main event

I never wanted to be the subject of prophesy

Or to go on a Horcrux killing spree

But then again, it doesn't matter what you want when you're me.


End file.
